Friday, April 5, 2013

{Mixed Feelings} Missing the ones I've lost

This wedding has been such an exciting thing for us. After 11 years, we're finally getting married! I am thrilled. I love this man with my whole everything. He's been such an amazing daddy and fiance. He's everything I could ever ask for. Part of me has been feeling a little down though. I always pictured my dad walking me down the aisle and my mom helping me plan every single little detail of this. I never thought in a million years that I would be planning this alone. It's not that I don't love this stuff. Trust me, I do! I am able to let my creativity take over. I just wish I had my mom here to help me. She was much more creative than I am. She made homemade soaps, candles, Christmas wreaths, clothing... all kinds of stuff. I know she would be in her glory with this wedding planning. She loved Brett so much. They had their ups and downs, but I know that she loved him. If she could see the man and daddy that he is today, she would love him even more. I know she would be proud of us for overcoming everything we had thrown at us and creating this beautiful family. I know she would love these three little munchkins like every grandma should probably even more.

My step dad will be walking me down the aisle. Don't get me wrong, I love him and appreciate him more than he will ever know. It's just not how I imagined my wedding. I always pictured my dad walking me down the aisle. I always knew we'd dance to "Butterfly Kisses". I knew this was the way it would be. My dad was my best friend. He'd always be here. He'd give me away at my wedding and we'd both cry. Things don't always go the way we planned them though. He's not here. He's been gone for 7 years. 7 long years. Some days it feels like an eternity since I saw him and other days it feels like yesterday. Part of me has all of this anger bottled up because he should be here! Part of me hurts. I mean literally hurts without him in my life. I picture his laugh and smile and it hurts deep down in my stomach. It hurts that my kids never had the chance to meet him. He would have been such an awesome grandpa. He was the best dad ever. I can only imagine he'd be the same way with my boys. We went fishing, camping, bike riding... really anything that involved being outside. He loved taking us fishing. He's take these buckets and flip them over and we'd just sit and fish. We'd eat bologna sandwiches and chips and drink pop. We'd talk about all kinds of stuff. I miss those days more than anything. I wish I could just have ONE of those days back. Just for one day. Just to hear him and see him and hug him again. He always called me "Gomer" with that silly grin on his face. Until the day he was gone I was "Gomer". I'd laugh every time he said it. I miss that. I miss all of the little things. I was always a Daddy's Girl. Spoiled like crazy. My dad never yelled at me once. Never raised his voice to me. I got away with everything because I was Daddy's Girl.

I never realized how amazing my parents were until they were no longer here. I never thought they'd be gone. I wish I could hug them and tell them how much I love them one more time. I know they knew I loved them. That was one thing about them. We always told each other that we loved each other multiple times a day and for THAT, I am grateful.

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